Category Archives: Conversations with My Mother

March 6, 2010 · 6:38 pm

Conversations with My Mother: The Olympics, I love Shaun White.

Rosie: Oh Tessie, I love the Olympics. I watch them day and night.

Tessa: They’re fun, aren’t they?

Rosie: Are you and Dave watching snowboarding? Wow, what a sport.

Tessa: Yeah, it’s amazing….

Rosie: Unbelievable. I like that red haired one. Shaun White. If I had to do it over again, I’d be a snowboarder and go in the Olympics. I would be amazing.

Tessa: You’re already amazing.

Rosie: I know Tessie. What do you think? Do you think he’d come and teach me maybe?

Tessa: Who?

Rosie: That red-haired cutie Shaun.

Tessa: Ohh. Well, I don’t know. If anyone could do it you could. Ask him!

Rosie: I’ll twitter him. (teehee) or whatever you people do to not talk to each other. I’ll be the oldest person on a snowboard. Wowee.

Tessa: He’s old enough to be your grandson, great grandson maybe…didn’t seem to make much difference at your 80th when you tried to run off with the 17 year old Latin waiter….that was the same night you danced until we got thrown out of the restaurant.

Rosie: I know, wasn’t that fun. Well, I have to go now. I’m going shopping at Loblaws…I need to  talk to the baker and my friend at the check out.

Tessa: Bye, love you.

Rosie: Bye sweetie. Don’t forget to twitter Shaun.

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February 7, 2010 · 1:54 am

Conversations with My Mother: Ploop, Ploop Ploop, and Ploop Ploop Ploop

Ring Ring:

Tessa: Hi Mom, How are you?

Rosie: Good. I was just going ploop ploop.

Tessa: Nice. So it’s all working down there.

Rosie: Well. No Ploop Ploop Ploops like the old days but ploop ploop twice a day is a pretty good day.

Tessa: :You still taking those hemp seeds and do they help?

Rosie: No,  I go to the bakery at Loblaws and get this delicious new bread. It has little seeds in it. The baker tells me he gets up at 3:00 in the morning to bake it. He can’t bake enough of it. Everyone loves it. I just got a notice that I have to re-do my driving test.

Tessa: Oh. How do you feel about it?

Rosie: What am I going to do? I have to do it. I have a book I’m studying.

Tessa: That’s good. Is it helping?

Rosie: It puts me to sleep. I’ve been studying for a week and I’m still not done. Last time I saw some old lady, maybe she was 95, she was writing the test with the book in her lap. Can you believe that?

Tessa: I find that hard to believe.

Rosie: It’s true. 95 with the book in her lap. AND SHE PASSED.Aggie isn’t doing her test and she’s going to drive without it.

Tessa: I know mom, you’ve told me that ten times. That’s not something to admire.

Rosie: I know but still. At our age what the hell. My appetite is good Tessie so it can’t be all bad. Wooooooooowwweeee. You have no snow. What are you going to do for the Olympics? I feel so sad. Skiing on straw. How’s work?

Tessa: It’s been really busy. A little stressful.

Rosie: You’ve never handled stress well. Makes you all red in the face like when you run. My god. You look like a fat red balloon. Why do something that’s going to kill you?.  I have to go. I feel a ploop. I better go work at it.

Tessa: Yeah, thanks for that mom. Talk to you tomorrow.

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December 18, 2009 · 5:29 pm

Conversations With My Mother: Martini please

Rosie: Tessie?

Tessa: Hi mom,

Rosie: Guess what?

Tessa: What?

Rosie: I just talked to your cousin.

Tessa: Nice. Which one?

Rosie: Peter in Holland.

Tessa: How’s he doing?

Rosie: He said he couldn’t believe how great my Dutch still is.

Tessa: Well you are Dutch.

Rosie: I know but after all these years my writing is still perfect.

Tessa: That’s good.

Rosie: He wanted to know if I had any assistance,  you know hulp (help). I said no. I don’t want help. I don’t want anyone in my house. I’ve decided I’m not going to rehab.

Tessa: That’s crazy.

Rosie: I don’t care. Last time when I had my other hip done I didn’t and I was perfect. The doctor told me I was perfect.

Tessa: That was fifteen years ago. The goal is to get back on your feet as soon as possible don’t you think?

Rosie: Anyways, I almost fell out of that bed your sister bought me. So high. I could die in here. Hey, Tessie, tell me do you and Deef (Dave) still drink martinis?

Tessa: Yeah, once in a while.

Rosie: Wow. That sounds good. Maybe we can have one when you’re here. Your brother tells me you don’t eat turkey. How can we have Christmas if you don’t eat turkey? What’s wrong with turkey?

Tessa: You know I don’t eat turkey.

Rosie: Well I don’t really eat meat either. Except for turkey and lamb. I love lamb burgers. I don’t eat beef. Except sometimes Georgie makes something good on the BBQ.

Tessa: So really, you do eat meat.

Rosie: No, not really.  I can’t wait to see Deef. And you. It’s coming so soon I can’t believe it! I’ll have a martini when you come. Just one please.

Tessa: Okay mom. Love you.

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October 7, 2009 · 11:57 pm

Conversations With My Mother: Shakin’ it down from the afterlife

Tessa:  Hi mom,  How are you?

Rosie: As well as can be expected given my condition.

Tessa: I know. I’m sorry but it’s solvable, right.

Rosie: Well I guess if it’s my time, it’s my time.

Tessa: Anyways, Dave and I are planning the BIG PARTY. You know next year. I want to make sure you’re coming.

Rosie: Why not have it this year, I could be dead by then.

Tessa: You’re the healthiest 83 year old I’ve ever met.

Rosie: One word. H1N1.

Tessa: Anyways, what else is going on? How’s Tante Aggi?

Rosie: She’s upset. Gypsies stole her bag.

Tessa: There are no gypsies in Mississauga.

Rosie: Yes there are. They have a whole organization set up to steal.

Tessa: Just like dad.

Rosie: Hahahah. You’re right. Your father was a bastard thief.

Tessa: You married him.

Rosie: I know. What did I know. So innocent. Aggi seems sad.

Tessa: Well, I can see that. I mean it must be really hard without Uncle Bernie.

Rosie: I know but for god’s sake. Even if she did pass away, how the hell does she know she’ll meet him up there?

I told her she wouldn’t so she may as well enjoy her life with me right now.

Tessa: That’s supportive.

Rosie: Well, don’t you think we’d all know by now if there was life after death. People have been dying forever and at least one of them would have broken through to let us know.

Tessa: That’s a great point.

Rosie: When I die I’m going to make sure you know there’s an afterlife if there is one. I’m going to come down and shake things so you’ll know. Like bowls and glasses of wine.

Tessa: Perfect. I’ll keep my eyeballs peeled for you. But don’t go just yet. I like all the shakin’ you’re doing right now.

Rosie: Ohhh Tessie!

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August 14, 2009 · 3:06 pm

Conversations with My Mother: We get naughtier as we get older

Tessa: Hi mom, where’ve you been?

Rosie: I was at Tante Aggie’s for lunch.

Tessa: That’s nice. How is she doing?

Rosie: She’s really upset.

Tessa: Why?

Rosie: She didn’t pass her driver’s licence.

Tessa: Oh, that’s awful

Rosie: I say big deal.

Tessa: Mother.

Rosie: I told her to drive her car anyways.

Tessa: MOM.

Rosie: When I go and I fail, I’m doing the same thing.

Tessa: No you’re not.

Rosie: Yes, I am and nobody will know. I won’t tell anybody. Besides I only do little distances to the mall and back. Why not?

Tessa: Because  you could kill somebody or yourself.

Rosie: I’m almost dead anyways.

Tessa: I’m not talking about you.

Rosie:Anyways. Did you see Larry King with Jermaine. Ohmigod. Those children are so beautiful.

Tessa: Yeah, they’re pretty nice looking.

Rosie: They look just like Michael.

Tessa: No they don’t. They look like their mother.

Rosie: That horrible beast. You see her? Crooked nose and long stringy hair. She’s awful.

Tessa: I don’t think she’s that awful.

Rosie: She sold her children for a million dollars.

Tessa: Eight million.

Rosie: Eight million? Wow. [pause] I’d sell all of you for eight million.

Tessa: Me too?

Rosie: Yes. [pause]  We get naughtier as we get older.

Tessa: Not we. You. You are naughty. And it’s not just as you get older. You just are this way.

Rosie: I know. BYE!!!!

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August 1, 2009 · 8:15 pm

Conversations with my mother: Squeak Squeak in Apt 301

Tessa: Hi Mom.

Rosie: Hi sweetie, how are you? Let me call you back.  Last month’s bill was guess how much?

Tessa: I don’t know.

Rosie: Fifty seven cents. I can’t send them a cheque for fifty seven cents. And you never pick up your phone so how can I ever get my bill to go higher? Anyways, those fires are so terrible.

Tessa: I know. It’s so hot here mom. It’s incredible. Dave and I are going to move into our parkade. Maybe set up some garden chairs and table.

Rosie: Hahhahaha. Well it’s beautiful here. Perfect. 25 with maybe a little bit too much rain.

Tessa: Yeah, I here you’re getting a lot of rain.

Rosie: Oh yeah, there was such a bad storm the other day it blew all my plants off the balcony. But it’s perfect.

Tessa: What’s perfect?

Rosie: The weather.

Tessa: You guys just had a hurricane. That’s not perfect.

Rosie: It was just a little windy. Achhh. The new bed your sister bought is wonderful. So comfortable and no more squeak squeak.

Tessa: It squeaked?

Rosie: Twice a night. Every time I have to go to the bathroom. Squeak squeak. The neighbours are probably thinking the old lady in 301 is making whoopee wowee two times a night. They’re probably thinking some old bastard just died. No more fun for 301. Wouldn’t that be something.

Tessa: Yeah. It sure would. Hey mom, I think Dave and I are coming home for Christmas.

Rosie: Really? That would be wonderful. I’ll believe it when I see it. Let me talk to Dave.

Tessa: He’s not here. Anyways, gotta run. I have a doctor’s appointment.

Rosie: What’s wrong?

Tessa; It’s a check up for my stomach.

Rosie:  I have the same as you. Worse though.

Tessa: Anyways, squeak squeak. I have to go.

Rosie: Bye sweetie!

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May 9, 2009 · 6:00 pm

Conversations with my Mother: air conditioning the old Dutch way

Rosie's air conditioner-posterRosie’s air conditioner

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May 8, 2009 · 2:08 am

Conversations with my mother: I miss you. How dare you leave

Tessa: Hi mom.
Rosie: Hi.
Tessa: What are you doing?
Rosie: Crying.
Tessa: Moooom.
Rosie: Well. It’s your fault. I’ve been crying for 25 years.
Tessa: Mother. Anyways, mom. I miss you too.
Rosie: I always wanted a daughter to go to the mall with me.
Tessa: I know mom.
Rosie: Anyways, how was your flight?
Tessa: Good. It was fine.
Rosie: And Dave? Are you still married? You know good men are hard to come by. Look at me and your father. What a bastard. Never mind my first husband. They’re all the same. Even your sister’s husband, he’s not bad. George bought me the flashlight in case the lights go out.
Tessa: No mom. Everything is good. We’re watching American Idol.
Rosie: That’s good. You have to do things together. Maybe sometimes watch baseball with him. Woweee. I love baseball. I wish Dave could have come too. I just look at my bathroom and I want to cry. I’ll pay for him to come. I love him. Maybe he can fix my kitchen too. So handy. You’re very lucky.
Tessa: Alrighty then.
Rose: Your brother called me. He misses you too. Everyone does. Nobody calls if you’re not here. Nobody.
Tessa: That’s not true mom. Johnny comes by every night and Petra phones almost every day and Joke phones you too. So that’s not true.
Rosie: Anyways, you hear about Costa Rica. Your brother is talking about Costa Rica. I won’t get my hopes up. Probably last time I ever travel anywhere.
Tessa: Mother. You’re a spring chicken. Anyways, you can come here too you know. Anyways, I’m going to watch Idol now. You know it’s key to saving the marriage!
Rosie: I loved seeing you on the couch here. It’s like you never left. It still is so terrible.
Tessa: What is?
Rosie: That you left.
Tessa: Oh brother, I’m going.
Rosie: (shouting) It’s TRUE.

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March 26, 2009 · 7:57 pm

Conversations with My Mother: I’m much younger than that 65 year old down the road

Tessa: Hey mom, How are you?

Rosie: Great.

Tessa: What’s up?

Rosie: I’ve been telling the world.

Tessa: Who? What?

Rosie: That you’re coming. I went to Loblaw’s told the girl there. Then to No Frills. Told them. Then my dentist.

Tessa: I didn’t know you had an appointment.

Rosie: I didn’t. I just went. We’re going to have a parade.

Tessa: Yeah, you and the Loblaws No Frills people.

Rosie: No really. I’m so excited. Jeanie asked me how old I was I was so crazy. So I told her 83. She said WOWEE. She’s only 65 and I look much, much younger than her.

Tessa: “much, much’ mom?

Rosie: She said it, not me. But she’s right. I look great. More wrinkles maybe but better.

Tessa: You didn’t say that to her though, right?

Rosie: No, but she’s very excited.

Tessa: She coming to your parade?

Rosie: No, she’s coming to YOUR parade.

Tessa:  I don’t even know her.

Rosie: Doesn’t matter. Can you believe she’s 65 and I’m so much younger.

Tessa: MOTHER.

Rosie: Well, it’s true.

Tessa: Bye mom.

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January 30, 2009 · 5:56 pm

Conversations with my mother: On preparing to die and other stuff

Without further ado let me introduce my mother Rosie the Rascal:

Tessa: Hey mom, how are you?
Rosie: Bored.
Tessa: Why?
Rosie: Well,why not? What’s there to live for? I’m thinking of throwing myself off the balcony.
Tessa: Don’t do that. What about TV. You love TV.
Rosie: Yeah, people think I watch too much TV but I love it and I learn alot. Muriel downstairs has a set from the 50s. So small I need a magnifying glass to see it. Why is she so cheap? I asked her. Muriel, stop being so cheap. You can’t take it with you.
Tessa: Still have your Christmas stuff up?
Rosie: I’m taking it all down.
Tessa: [long pause]
Rosie: FOREVER. Who needs it anyways?
Tessa: Mom, you love your matching red balls.
Rosie: So 70s. That went with my leopard bar. Wowie. Remember that?
Tessa: Yup, I sure do.
Rosie: Anyways, there might not be next Christmas.
Tessa: MOTHER.
Rosie: It’s the truth. I know you don’t like hearing the truth but that’s the truth. I could go any time.
Tessa: You’re healthy as a horse. And I have no problem hearing the truth. I live for it. Anyways, I’m planning my big birthday party. You know my big landmark one and I want all you guys to come.
Rosie: Wow. Sounds great. When is it?
Tessa: Two years from now.
Rosie: Why not have it this year? I’l probably be dead in two years.
Tessa: Enough of the death talk. We’re thinking of buying a house. Then there’ll be lots of room for all your dance moves and you can have your own bathroom. It’ll be great.
Rosie: I’m a fantastic dancer. Your father always told me so. I know how to dance and I drive like a man. Anyways, you sure you can afford that? You know what you’re doing? Well, Dave knows what he’s doing so it should be okay. Hey, I’m sending you all your diaries from your teen years. Wowie. I ‘ve been reading them all. I had no idea you were doing all….
Tessa: MOTHER. STOP IT.
Rosie: Wait I’m going to read you a bit.
Tessa: I’m hanging up.
Rosie: Oh, there’ Barack on TV. I have to go. What a sexy guy. You see him in Hawaii in his shorts? Better than that idiot sprout head George Bush.
Tessa: Bye mom
Rosie: Have your party soon. I don’t want to be dead!

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