Tag Archives: Conversations with My Mother

October 7, 2009 · 11:57 pm

Conversations With My Mother: Shakin’ it down from the afterlife

Tessa:  Hi mom,  How are you?

Rosie: As well as can be expected given my condition.

Tessa: I know. I’m sorry but it’s solvable, right.

Rosie: Well I guess if it’s my time, it’s my time.

Tessa: Anyways, Dave and I are planning the BIG PARTY. You know next year. I want to make sure you’re coming.

Rosie: Why not have it this year, I could be dead by then.

Tessa: You’re the healthiest 83 year old I’ve ever met.

Rosie: One word. H1N1.

Tessa: Anyways, what else is going on? How’s Tante Aggi?

Rosie: She’s upset. Gypsies stole her bag.

Tessa: There are no gypsies in Mississauga.

Rosie: Yes there are. They have a whole organization set up to steal.

Tessa: Just like dad.

Rosie: Hahahah. You’re right. Your father was a bastard thief.

Tessa: You married him.

Rosie: I know. What did I know. So innocent. Aggi seems sad.

Tessa: Well, I can see that. I mean it must be really hard without Uncle Bernie.

Rosie: I know but for god’s sake. Even if she did pass away, how the hell does she know she’ll meet him up there?

I told her she wouldn’t so she may as well enjoy her life with me right now.

Tessa: That’s supportive.

Rosie: Well, don’t you think we’d all know by now if there was life after death. People have been dying forever and at least one of them would have broken through to let us know.

Tessa: That’s a great point.

Rosie: When I die I’m going to make sure you know there’s an afterlife if there is one. I’m going to come down and shake things so you’ll know. Like bowls and glasses of wine.

Tessa: Perfect. I’ll keep my eyeballs peeled for you. But don’t go just yet. I like all the shakin’ you’re doing right now.

Rosie: Ohhh Tessie!

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August 1, 2009 · 8:15 pm

Conversations with my mother: Squeak Squeak in Apt 301

Tessa: Hi Mom.

Rosie: Hi sweetie, how are you? Let me call you back.  Last month’s bill was guess how much?

Tessa: I don’t know.

Rosie: Fifty seven cents. I can’t send them a cheque for fifty seven cents. And you never pick up your phone so how can I ever get my bill to go higher? Anyways, those fires are so terrible.

Tessa: I know. It’s so hot here mom. It’s incredible. Dave and I are going to move into our parkade. Maybe set up some garden chairs and table.

Rosie: Hahhahaha. Well it’s beautiful here. Perfect. 25 with maybe a little bit too much rain.

Tessa: Yeah, I here you’re getting a lot of rain.

Rosie: Oh yeah, there was such a bad storm the other day it blew all my plants off the balcony. But it’s perfect.

Tessa: What’s perfect?

Rosie: The weather.

Tessa: You guys just had a hurricane. That’s not perfect.

Rosie: It was just a little windy. Achhh. The new bed your sister bought is wonderful. So comfortable and no more squeak squeak.

Tessa: It squeaked?

Rosie: Twice a night. Every time I have to go to the bathroom. Squeak squeak. The neighbours are probably thinking the old lady in 301 is making whoopee wowee two times a night. They’re probably thinking some old bastard just died. No more fun for 301. Wouldn’t that be something.

Tessa: Yeah. It sure would. Hey mom, I think Dave and I are coming home for Christmas.

Rosie: Really? That would be wonderful. I’ll believe it when I see it. Let me talk to Dave.

Tessa: He’s not here. Anyways, gotta run. I have a doctor’s appointment.

Rosie: What’s wrong?

Tessa; It’s a check up for my stomach.

Rosie:  I have the same as you. Worse though.

Tessa: Anyways, squeak squeak. I have to go.

Rosie: Bye sweetie!

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May 9, 2009 · 6:00 pm

Conversations with my Mother: air conditioning the old Dutch way

Rosie's air conditioner-posterRosie’s air conditioner

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May 8, 2009 · 2:08 am

Conversations with my mother: I miss you. How dare you leave

Tessa: Hi mom.
Rosie: Hi.
Tessa: What are you doing?
Rosie: Crying.
Tessa: Moooom.
Rosie: Well. It’s your fault. I’ve been crying for 25 years.
Tessa: Mother. Anyways, mom. I miss you too.
Rosie: I always wanted a daughter to go to the mall with me.
Tessa: I know mom.
Rosie: Anyways, how was your flight?
Tessa: Good. It was fine.
Rosie: And Dave? Are you still married? You know good men are hard to come by. Look at me and your father. What a bastard. Never mind my first husband. They’re all the same. Even your sister’s husband, he’s not bad. George bought me the flashlight in case the lights go out.
Tessa: No mom. Everything is good. We’re watching American Idol.
Rosie: That’s good. You have to do things together. Maybe sometimes watch baseball with him. Woweee. I love baseball. I wish Dave could have come too. I just look at my bathroom and I want to cry. I’ll pay for him to come. I love him. Maybe he can fix my kitchen too. So handy. You’re very lucky.
Tessa: Alrighty then.
Rose: Your brother called me. He misses you too. Everyone does. Nobody calls if you’re not here. Nobody.
Tessa: That’s not true mom. Johnny comes by every night and Petra phones almost every day and Joke phones you too. So that’s not true.
Rosie: Anyways, you hear about Costa Rica. Your brother is talking about Costa Rica. I won’t get my hopes up. Probably last time I ever travel anywhere.
Tessa: Mother. You’re a spring chicken. Anyways, you can come here too you know. Anyways, I’m going to watch Idol now. You know it’s key to saving the marriage!
Rosie: I loved seeing you on the couch here. It’s like you never left. It still is so terrible.
Tessa: What is?
Rosie: That you left.
Tessa: Oh brother, I’m going.
Rosie: (shouting) It’s TRUE.

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March 26, 2009 · 7:57 pm

Conversations with My Mother: I’m much younger than that 65 year old down the road

Tessa: Hey mom, How are you?

Rosie: Great.

Tessa: What’s up?

Rosie: I’ve been telling the world.

Tessa: Who? What?

Rosie: That you’re coming. I went to Loblaw’s told the girl there. Then to No Frills. Told them. Then my dentist.

Tessa: I didn’t know you had an appointment.

Rosie: I didn’t. I just went. We’re going to have a parade.

Tessa: Yeah, you and the Loblaws No Frills people.

Rosie: No really. I’m so excited. Jeanie asked me how old I was I was so crazy. So I told her 83. She said WOWEE. She’s only 65 and I look much, much younger than her.

Tessa: “much, much’ mom?

Rosie: She said it, not me. But she’s right. I look great. More wrinkles maybe but better.

Tessa: You didn’t say that to her though, right?

Rosie: No, but she’s very excited.

Tessa: She coming to your parade?

Rosie: No, she’s coming to YOUR parade.

Tessa:  I don’t even know her.

Rosie: Doesn’t matter. Can you believe she’s 65 and I’m so much younger.

Tessa: MOTHER.

Rosie: Well, it’s true.

Tessa: Bye mom.

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January 30, 2009 · 5:56 pm

Conversations with my mother: On preparing to die and other stuff

Without further ado let me introduce my mother Rosie the Rascal:

Tessa: Hey mom, how are you?
Rosie: Bored.
Tessa: Why?
Rosie: Well,why not? What’s there to live for? I’m thinking of throwing myself off the balcony.
Tessa: Don’t do that. What about TV. You love TV.
Rosie: Yeah, people think I watch too much TV but I love it and I learn alot. Muriel downstairs has a set from the 50s. So small I need a magnifying glass to see it. Why is she so cheap? I asked her. Muriel, stop being so cheap. You can’t take it with you.
Tessa: Still have your Christmas stuff up?
Rosie: I’m taking it all down.
Tessa: [long pause]
Rosie: FOREVER. Who needs it anyways?
Tessa: Mom, you love your matching red balls.
Rosie: So 70s. That went with my leopard bar. Wowie. Remember that?
Tessa: Yup, I sure do.
Rosie: Anyways, there might not be next Christmas.
Tessa: MOTHER.
Rosie: It’s the truth. I know you don’t like hearing the truth but that’s the truth. I could go any time.
Tessa: You’re healthy as a horse. And I have no problem hearing the truth. I live for it. Anyways, I’m planning my big birthday party. You know my big landmark one and I want all you guys to come.
Rosie: Wow. Sounds great. When is it?
Tessa: Two years from now.
Rosie: Why not have it this year? I’l probably be dead in two years.
Tessa: Enough of the death talk. We’re thinking of buying a house. Then there’ll be lots of room for all your dance moves and you can have your own bathroom. It’ll be great.
Rosie: I’m a fantastic dancer. Your father always told me so. I know how to dance and I drive like a man. Anyways, you sure you can afford that? You know what you’re doing? Well, Dave knows what he’s doing so it should be okay. Hey, I’m sending you all your diaries from your teen years. Wowie. I ‘ve been reading them all. I had no idea you were doing all….
Tessa: MOTHER. STOP IT.
Rosie: Wait I’m going to read you a bit.
Tessa: I’m hanging up.
Rosie: Oh, there’ Barack on TV. I have to go. What a sexy guy. You see him in Hawaii in his shorts? Better than that idiot sprout head George Bush.
Tessa: Bye mom
Rosie: Have your party soon. I don’t want to be dead!

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September 26, 2008 · 9:42 pm

TV will Save Your Relationship: Conversations with my Mother

Tessa: Hi mom,
Rosie: Hi sweetie, how are you?
Tessa: Ahh okay.
Rosie: I saw your sister today. We talked about how you didn’t have children.
Tessa: Oh yeah.
Rosie: I told her you two were the lucky ones. Children are so rotten today. You don’t know what you’re going to get. Look at those drug addicts that live across the street. They’re only 14 and smoking god knows what. But I said you would have made a good mother. Too bad. Oh well. You have Dave, at least. He’s a great husband. You’re very lucky.
Tessa: Have you booked your ticket for Christmas yet?
Rosie: No, I have to sell some furniture first?
Tessa: Why?
Rosie: I don’t know how long I’ll live. What are your favourite shows?
Tessa: I dunno.
Rosie: Dave mentioned to me that you’re not so big on television. You know. When you’re married you have to learn to compromise. Can’t be all your way. I don’t want to tell you what to do but if you want to keep him you need to watch TV with him. Lots of it.
Tessa: Right. Are your neighbours still having sex?
Rosie: I don’t hear that old cow anymore. I think all my banging made her stop. I enjoy a good time too you know but that was TOO much. Your brother says he loves you.
Tessa: Yeah, well I love him too.
Rosie: Makes sense.
Tessa: Why?
Rosie: You’re both my children and nice people. Why wouldn’t you like each other? You’re just like me.
Tessa: Right. Anyways, mom I have to go.
Rosie: Okay sweetie. What are you going to do?
Tessa: I’m going to go and watch TV with Dave.
Rosie: Good girl. You have to do these things you know.
Tessa: Thanks mom. Bye! I love you.

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June 18, 2008 · 4:36 am

Conversations with My Mother: He did it for me!

Tessa: Ring Ring: Gaboodle Gaboidle
Rosie: My Mother
Tessa: Is a Toitle
Rosie: Where have you BEEN?
Tessa: Mom, I’ve been right here.
Rosie: Well, why didn’t you answer your phone?
Tessa: If I knew it was you I would have answered.
Rosie: Oh. Anyways. So I heard.
Tessa: You heard what?
Rosie: Your brother told me.
Tessa: He told you what?
Rosie: About the car.
Tessa: Oh, yeah. We’re looking for a new car?
Rosie: Why? What do you need a new car for? Always wanting so many fancy things. You spend too much money, Tessie. Save your money.
Tessa: Well, we know what we can spend and what we can’t spend.
Rosie: Well, you know that Dave. He has expensive test. And what for?
Tessa: For Reub. He needs air conditioning. He can’t take the heat. Makes him sick. Dave says if we don’t get air conditioning we have to wrap wet towels around him when we go out. And a straw hat.
Rosie: I know why Dave is buying it.
Tessa: It’s not just Dave,. Anyways. Why?
Rosie: He’s doing it for me, isnt’ he?
Tessa: He’s doing what?
Rosie: Buying the new car. You know how he is. He wants to pick me up from the airport in something fancy.
Pause
Pause
Rosie: Tell Dave I don’t give a shit. He can pick me up in that old Acura that I can’t get out of. Remember how I almost got heat stroke in that car?
Last time Dave picked me up in that Volkswagon. Those Germans are bastards. I know that. I was married to one. But they make great cars. Wooowwweeee. It smelled so good. Anyways, tell him I don’t care. Don’t spend the money all on me. Your brother is wondering how you can afford all this. We don’t understand.
Tessa: Why should he care. Anyways.
Rosie: I know. I’ll let you go. Bye. Say hi to Dave.
Tessa: Bye mom. Love you!
Rosie: Don’t buy the new car. You kids are wasting your money!

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