Tessa: Hi mom,
Rosie: Hi sweetie, how are you?
Tessa: Ahh okay.
Rosie: I saw your sister today. We talked about how you didn’t have children.
Tessa: Oh yeah.
Rosie: I told her you two were the lucky ones. Children are so rotten today. You don’t know what you’re going to get. Look at those drug addicts that live across the street. They’re only 14 and smoking god knows what. But I said you would have made a good mother. Too bad. Oh well. You have Dave, at least. He’s a great husband. You’re very lucky.
Tessa: Have you booked your ticket for Christmas yet?
Rosie: No, I have to sell some furniture first?
Tessa: Why?
Rosie: I don’t know how long I’ll live. What are your favourite shows?
Tessa: I dunno.
Rosie: Dave mentioned to me that you’re not so big on television. You know. When you’re married you have to learn to compromise. Can’t be all your way. I don’t want to tell you what to do but if you want to keep him you need to watch TV with him. Lots of it.
Tessa: Right. Are your neighbours still having sex?
Rosie: I don’t hear that old cow anymore. I think all my banging made her stop. I enjoy a good time too you know but that was TOO much. Your brother says he loves you.
Tessa: Yeah, well I love him too.
Rosie: Makes sense.
Tessa: Why?
Rosie: You’re both my children and nice people. Why wouldn’t you like each other? You’re just like me.
Tessa: Right. Anyways, mom I have to go.
Rosie: Okay sweetie. What are you going to do?
Tessa: I’m going to go and watch TV with Dave.
Rosie: Good girl. You have to do these things you know.
Tessa: Thanks mom. Bye! I love you.
Category Archives: Conversations with My Mother
TV will Save Your Relationship: Conversations with my Mother
Filed under Conversations with My Mother
Conversations with My Mother: He did it for me!
Tessa: Ring Ring: Gaboodle Gaboidle
Rosie: My Mother
Tessa: Is a Toitle
Rosie: Where have you BEEN?
Tessa: Mom, I’ve been right here.
Rosie: Well, why didn’t you answer your phone?
Tessa: If I knew it was you I would have answered.
Rosie: Oh. Anyways. So I heard.
Tessa: You heard what?
Rosie: Your brother told me.
Tessa: He told you what?
Rosie: About the car.
Tessa: Oh, yeah. We’re looking for a new car?
Rosie: Why? What do you need a new car for? Always wanting so many fancy things. You spend too much money, Tessie. Save your money.
Tessa: Well, we know what we can spend and what we can’t spend.
Rosie: Well, you know that Dave. He has expensive test. And what for?
Tessa: For Reub. He needs air conditioning. He can’t take the heat. Makes him sick. Dave says if we don’t get air conditioning we have to wrap wet towels around him when we go out. And a straw hat.
Rosie: I know why Dave is buying it.
Tessa: It’s not just Dave,. Anyways. Why?
Rosie: He’s doing it for me, isnt’ he?
Tessa: He’s doing what?
Rosie: Buying the new car. You know how he is. He wants to pick me up from the airport in something fancy.
Pause
Pause
Rosie: Tell Dave I don’t give a shit. He can pick me up in that old Acura that I can’t get out of. Remember how I almost got heat stroke in that car?
Last time Dave picked me up in that Volkswagon. Those Germans are bastards. I know that. I was married to one. But they make great cars. Wooowwweeee. It smelled so good. Anyways, tell him I don’t care. Don’t spend the money all on me. Your brother is wondering how you can afford all this. We don’t understand.
Tessa: Why should he care. Anyways.
Rosie: I know. I’ll let you go. Bye. Say hi to Dave.
Tessa: Bye mom. Love you!
Rosie: Don’t buy the new car. You kids are wasting your money!
Filed under Conversations with My Mother
Conversations with My Husband: Dumped for Bacon
Dave: Where’s Little T?
Tessa: I think she’s next door.
Dave: Right. She lives there.
Tessa:Yeah, she’s kinda moved out.
Dave: I’ve had her for ten years. She doesn’t give a shit. I never gave her away even when I wanted to or could have.
Tessa: Cats are fickle.
Dave: Her legs were crooked when I adopted her. She could hardly walk. You know what cats are. They’re the animal equivalent of humans. She’s all about herself. She just comes home to shit and eat. I bet you Sylvia is giving her bacon. I read this thing where most vegetarians go back to being meat eaters because of bacon. They can’t resist it. It’s the texture and the salt. Nobody can resist it. I’ll bet you that’s what’s going on.
Tessa:Maybe she just likes the peace and quiet over there.
Dave: I’ll bet you it’s Norm. They’re feeding her. Hugging her. Loving her. They don’t know what kind of monster they’re creating. Oh look here she comes. Howling and screaming. LET ME IN LET ME IN.
She’s coming over here to take a shit. Come here T. Come here. Christ. Smell this. She smells like Sylvia’s perfume. I’m going to write Sylvia’s contact info on her collar. Do you think she’ll find that funny?
Tessa: Who? T or Sylvia?
Dave: Come here T. Do you want some milk? I’ll bet that’s it. I used to give her milk all the time and I haven’t in years. It’s my fault. I’ll bet Sylvia is giving her milk. Come here T.
Tessa: Maybe what’s going on is that T has a parallel universe happening. Sylvia’s place is the reverse of ours. Her and Norm lie in bed like we do and they’re going on about how cute she is and feeding her bacon and stuff. I think it’s the bacon. She has a parallel universe except over there she has milk and bacon. What do you think?
Dave: Yup. Bacon is the downfall
Filed under Conversations with My Mother
Conversations with my Mother: On Getting Sympathy When Sick
Because today I am sick I decided to call my mother for coddling and sympathy. Actually as I was limping around the kitchen feeling extremely sorry for myself, even Dave suggested I call Rosie. Then he laughed evilly – knowingly. Tee hee. Why the evil smirk? Because he knows the Rose. And he knows how this conversation will go…
Ring Ring:
Tessa: Hiiiiiii. Cough Cough
Rosie: Tessie.
Tessa: Yes….gargling and sick noises.
Rosie: Is that you? What’s wrong?
Tessa: I’m sick.
Rosie: Were you an het boomele (dutch way of saying partying?) You know you shouldn’t do that at your age. You never could take it. Always looking so yellow.
Tessa: No mom. I’m actually sick. I have a cold.
Rosie: Well what happened?
Tessa: Well it happened yesterday. All of a sudden.
Rosie: Well I’m fine.
Tessa: Yeah I know.
Rosie. Well you know I always have that little cuff. (she demos the cuff (cough). It’s my asthma. So terrible. Your brother has an inhaler. I told him not to smoke. We have weak lungs.
Tessa: Yeah. I know. Anyways. I ache. And my throat is sore.
Rosie: I can’t be near anyone who’s sick. You know that. I could die.
Tessa: Good thing I’m just talking to you on the phone then.
Rosie: I’ve had pneumonia three times. But I was never sick at your age. Make sure you get your blood sugar checked. Diabetes runs in the family.
Tessa: Yeah. Anyways. I’m feeling pretty tired so I’m going to go.
Rosie: Max pees too much. He needs to get his blood sugar tested.
Tessa: Okay mom. Bye. Love you.
Filed under Conversations with My Mother
Conversations with my Mother: The Snow Plough
My mother makes it her life’s work to mock Vancouver’s snow ploughs. Having been here once during a winter storm she still regularly likes to regale me with the same story over and over and over again how the only snow plough she saw was so small, so tiny, so incredibly meek that she couldn’t for the life of her figure out how this poor little machine that was no bigger than a lawn mower could possibly plough an entire city. This is an example of what I have to live with.
Tessa: Gaboodle
Rosie: Gaboidle
Tessa: My mutha
Rosie: IS A TOITLE!
Tessa: What are you doing?
Rosie: I’m looking outside.
Tessa: What are you looking at?
Rosie: There is a machine out here that is unbelievable. It looks like a space ship.
Tessa: Really. What’s it doing?
Rosie: It’s taking in alot of snow and then somehow I don’t know the snow disappears. It’s just making the snow disappear. It’s incredible.
Tessa: Really.
Rosie: Yeah. Remember the snow plough in Vancouver? How small it was?
Tessa: No.
Rosie: Well, I heard on the NEWS tonight that they said Vancouver had the smallest, worst snow ploughs ever. That they were like lawnmowers.
Tessa: They did not.
Rosie: Yes. I heard it. Tonight. It was on the news.
Tessa: No. That came straight from your own personal newscast in your brain.
Rosie: Are you saying I’m lying?
Tessa: I’m saying that what you just said is something you said but not the news. News doesn’t work that way.
Rosie: Anyways. Those ones in Vancouver are so pathetic. And for a big city like Vancouver with the Olympics and everything. They better get some bigger ones. Soon. It’s a bit embarrassing driving around in such a small thing.
Tessa: Anyways.
Rosie: All of Port Credit is looking at this machine right now. It’s incredible. It’s as big as the whole street.
Tessa: Really. Anyways. Are you excited about your birthday?
Rosie: Ach. My birthday. I’ve had so many. Why would I be. Who knows if I’ll even be alive by then.
Tessa: It’s only two weeks away.
Rosie: Exactly. You never know.
Tessa: My potatoes are burning. I have to go. Love you.
Rosie: Me too. Bye.
Filed under Conversations with My Mother
Conversations with my Mother: The Neighbour
Ring ring:
Tessa: Hello
Rosie: Gaboodle
Tessa: Gaboidle
Rosie: My mutha
Tessa: Is a toitle
After my mother and I get our traditional greeting out of the way, I wonder why Rosie is calling me for the third time this week. And in such good humour.
Tessa: What’s going on?
Rosie: Your sister is coming to stay with me this weekend.
Tessa: Oh yeah. That’s nice.
Rosie: She’s going to help me write a letter.
Tessa: What letter?
Rosie: To the neighbour.
Tessa: What for?
Rosie: The sex.
Tessa: I thought you didn’t mind her having sex.
Rosie: I don’t. But she carries on too long. I talked to Ray about it.
Tessa: What did Ray say?
Rosie: He said there’s nothing he can do about the sex. He can only do something about the music.
And besides she’s moved it to Wednesday night. Must be a salesman.
Tessa: What are you going to say in the letter?
Rosie: I’m going to say ” You really have some guy there, you’re a lucky girl but do you have to scream so loud for so long. Think about your neighbours. You’re keeping the whole building awake.”
Tessa: Are you going to sign it?
Rosie: I think she already knows.
Tessa: Knows what?
Rosie: Knows that I know. I saw her today on her bike. Definitely nothing to write home about. Very ordinary. Anyways, she walked right passed me and ignored me.
Tessa: Did you try say hello?
Rosie: No. Anyways, maybe I should just wear earplugs on Wednesday nights. He must be married.
Tessa: Okay ma. I gotta fly. Say hi to Jokelee for me. Good luck with your neighbour. Make sure not to talk to her. See ya gaboods.
Filed under Conversations with My Mother
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