In the absence of my ability to make any kind of decision myself, I will leave it up to you dear readers to lead me out of my current ruffled mental state. What exactly is this kerfuffle about?
It’s about this. Every September I make my way twice a week with my speed skates to the local rink to skate with my group. But I didn’t go this year because Reub was sick and I wanted to spend time with my guy and because I was also taking classes.
The problem is now that I can skate I don’t seem to be able to get there. I pack my gear, bring it to work and then spend the day agonizing about whether I should go or not. And when I say agonize I mean agonize. It’s killing me. And I still haven’t gone which means another week of going through this. While others solve world problems my mind is going in circles (small ones at that).
Snap Shot of the Circular Mind:
I’m going skating. I’m going skating FOR SURE. It’ll make me feel great.
Na – you’ll get cold.
But think how much you’ll laugh .
No you won’t. Talking to all those people you haven’t seen for a while will be exhausting. All that exercise will make you tired.
But you love Agatha and the gang.
I dunno, my back is sore. And my office is so cold I have icicles hanging from my nose.
Forget it, you’ll warm up. You’ll be pulling layers off in seconds.
I can’t remember the last time I sharpened my skates, I might kill myself.
Remember what Jokelee said. Skip the negative stuff and take your brain straight to the reward. The high. She’s always right (older sisters almost always are – I sure wish younger sister would make note of this).
I know what I’ll do, I’ll get in the car and drive. If I end up at the arena then I’ll skate. If I don’t well then I’ll do Jillian Michaels and almost die from my 20 minute ridiculous work out.
Forget it. You’ll see Diane there. You love Diane. She might even do up your skates for you.
Ah yes I know but I forgot my water bottle.
You can buy one there.
You forgot…I’m against the water bottle.
Well, admit it then, you’re nervous because you haven’t skated for awhile.
No that’s not it. It’s the cold thing. The coldest office in the world, the one that makes your nails blue is killing all desire to skate around in circles at break neck speed.
Breakneck is a bit of an exaggeration don’t you think?
You’re right. It’s not exactly breakneck is it?
I know what I’ll do, I’ll ask the first person I see and see what they say.
They said go skating. But when they left they said, “Have a nice evening at home” as if they knew that I wouldn’t go.
So I’m not going.
And so on and so on and so on. And I still haven’t gone. And seriously. I’m not going to be happy until I go. I just need to get there. I’m not like this with everything but I’m definitely in a rut with this one. Someone just strap on my skates and get me some ice.
Condofire 
Shut it down, girl, and go. Today. That’s an order.
You only live once…this is not the practice run and every day is precious… if you don;t do it you’ll wake up old with regrets.
SO enough of the excuses: JUST DO IT!!!!
Should you follow your head or your heart?
I am the contrarian and say that if you really wanted to go, you would have no internal debate. Listen to yourself and know it’s okay to pause, to “find rapture on the lonely shore”. Less can be more – thought and ease, quiet, reflection and simple, comfortable warmth can be as satisfying as laughter on the skating rink if you let it. Let it. Don’t worry about what you SHOULD do. Give yourself a break and be. Accept and embrace.
But that’s just me.
I concur with emmagrace. In the past, when I’ve let go of something I loved to do, I eventually found my way back to doing it when I was ready. When the want wins over should. You’ll know when it’s time to get back on the saddle ’cause it’ll be soooo effortless and sweet, it’s like you never stopped. Don’t let the guilts getcha.
Thanks for the feedback everyone. In truth the only reason I have managed to skate all these years is pushing through doubt and somehow I made it there and enjoyed an incredible sport and community for a long time. I think truthfully, it’s a little bit of fear gnawing at me and maybe unexpected grief nibbling at my heels. Life returning back to normal after losing Reub. Something about it I don’t like.
I understand Tessa, it is hard to just think everything is now normal and ok when there is still lots of pain. Embrace the love you have for Rube and just skate or not, you will know when it is time. I love you xxx
Hi everyone,
I did finally go last night and I’m glad I did. It felt pretty good. Thx for all your comments and support.
tessa
Tessa, I am a little late to the party because I know you’ve been – but I’ve learned when I get in those loops – JUST GO. Just forget about everything else and go. Glad you went and had fun!