Busy-ness is the killer of creativity. I know about this because in my old life I kept myself so busy that there was never a chance for mulling of any kind – creative or otherwise. Falling into a coma at the end of whatever maniacal activity I had decided to embrace was the norm. Normal was falling into bed at night in my work clothes. Sports, learning two languages fluently (never made it) more exercise (recovered bulimic so I’m still obsessive somewhat) reading, trying to write short stories (not successfully) and compulsive socializing. Hey, I know how to have a dinner party.
But that’s not really my life anymore. Not really. I am more comfortable with myself – living in my skin. I can sit and watch TV, relax. That ‘s new. But I like it and I need it. And I like it because the thing I’m most addicted to is thinking about stuff and feeling it. And when I’m busy I can’t do that as well.
Lately I’m busier because I’m going to school at night. Nothing overwhelming. But it makes me busier. And I have to think about things I’m not used to thinking about. A while ago I decided that the world depressed me to no end. Then I met a bunch of cool people and went to a talk by a guy called Paul Hawken and I started to understand that there are people who do things. Sure, the world is overwhelming and the tasks at hand seemingly insurmountable –but these people do. And I like that so I thought I would try and do as well. So that’s what I’m doing in school.
My worry is that I’m trying to learn something (Sustainability Certificate) that doesn’t go well with my brain as much as other things do. My belief is there. My passion is there. But my mind is creative and not a ‘measuring’ kind of mind. Sustainability is all about measuring. So this is my current preoccupation. Just how the hell am I going to measure stuff that needs to be measured? I dropped out of math in grade 2.
But in the meantime – my natural brain still tries to break through at times. Like yesterday when I was running and I felt my mind empty and fill itself in the way running allows. And I was listening to this song and I could feel my heart contract because I thought of my mom – and I held my hand out for her to hold – because I want to bring her along with me no matter where I go – and I reached for my sister’s hand because I want my words to her to make a difference – I want her to want and I want her to stay with me. I want her to stay with me. And I thought about the movie theatre last night – where Dave and I went – me wearing my sexy pants – those beautiful grey sweats – and how we danced during the boring movie screaming – “I’ve got my sexy pants, I’ve got my sexy pants on.” when we were wearing pajamas. Like we were Jay-z or something. It’s times like this that my heart feels like it’s going to break – from happiness and unhappiness. Is it like this for everyone?