Tessa: One of my favourite things to do right after waking up and after I’ve delivered two cuffs to Dave’s head to confirm that he is awake too, is to ask him to simulate my snoring. Because I’m very polite I make sure to ask him how he slept first. He usually says something like you woke me up four times; you sound like a drill saw; you’d give Genghis Khan a run for his money; you’re worse than you, your mother and brother put together; your breath smells like a truck stop urinal; we need to sew your esophagus closed.
This is spicy love talk and I love it. Then I say show me. Show me how I snore. Is it like this? Or like this? Or is it more like this? Dave refuses to look at me for any of this. He stares at the ceiling disconsolately. It must be his back that is bugging him. Tell me you love me I say. I grub you. Yeah, that means the love isn’t really there. Then I dig deep inside and I say, hey is it more like this…. and I draw in my breath and wiggle it around in my mouth creating this massive vacuum that enables me to emit this roaring, quaking sound. Is it like this I say? He blinks and looks away. Yes, he says. I’ll get an operation I tell him. Jennifer Aniston just got one so I’ll get one too. He knows how much I love her. If she can fix her ailing schnoz than so can I. My hero! Dave that is!