Do you ever have those moments when the universe seems to be talking to you? In my case it was a sign written at a yoga studio that I go to. I hadn’t noticed it before but there it was – saying the very thing I had been thinking about for awhile now.
In my last yoga practice we were asked in that very “yoga-esque of ways” to devote our intention to some thing or someone and though normally I am not one to take these kinds of things too seriously, I found myself drawn to the ‘ask’ so I drew a deep breath in and I felt myself take in the light, and as I blew out I sent my intention to someone I love, someone who often lives in life’sshadows hoping that the light I felt would ease her burden of heaviness, that has her moving in endless sad circles.
And then later when I was skating, we were practicing an exercise where we spread our arms wide, like giant birds, an exercise that felt beautiful and exhilarating, and as I spread my arms and picked up speed, I thought of her again and thought, “Come on, ride with me. Let me take you to a lighter, better place. Let go of the heaviness that shackles your life. Reach beyond your pain. Ride on my wings.” And for a moment I believed it was possible.
And I think of the word castles I build, small messages, occasionally long letters, emoticons,anything to help the battle against hopelessness. And secretly I hope it strikes just the right nerve, brings back just the best memory or motivation for letting go.
But I know this to be true. When I struggled but in a very different way, I remember my mother, saying, “I see sadness being written on your face.” “Shock tactic”, I thought. And I looked in the mirror trying to see what she saw. But it was only when I wasn’t looking for it that I saw it. Walking by a store window and seeing that hardness, that sadness fixed on my face and I could see that it had begun to settle. More was coming my way.And then I knew what she was talking about. And I knew I had a decision to make. Left or right? Backwards or forwards? I had to choose. But I have been a luckier person so this was simpler for me.
And I think about this person that I love so much, and I think about our little word castles, if only it was so easy that I could rebuild the saddest parts of her life with a new word castle, if only I could carry her on my wings like a super god and take her away to be finally fixed and happy, if only I could blow the brightest of my very best intentions her way, and say, there, I pronounce you fixed and all the bad and heavy things that have happened to you are gone. They are gone. But I can’t. I can’t write you into wellness, or wish you there or love you there. Like everyone else who has walked in life’s darkest shadows, you have to do it yourself. Let the heavy things go. One small step. Let the heavy things go.