There seems to be some argument whether this is John Cleese or not John Cleese. Whoever wrote it, it’s funny.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person
Condofire 
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I can’t believe he mentioned the war.
Please stop attributing crap like this to John Cleese. Check your sources. I feel sorry for the guy.
Not John Cleese, but reather a gag email that gets passed along by people who still use email to communicate with their friends. I remember my high school history teacher reading it off to us…
rather*
So it’s not Cleese. But it’s not ‘crap’. It’s irreverent and amusing. Only those taking some of the barbs personally would refuse to acknowledge the humor.
I agree with you. It doesn’t matter if it’s been ’emailed’ or read in a high school class or if it’s not John Cleese. That’s irrelevant as far as I’m concerned. It’s funny damn it.
I completely agree. It’s very silly, made funnier by a British voice in your head. Go ahead, read it again, but see John Cleese behind the Python desk. I dare you not laugh.
He would spell it neighbour. He is British
And that is definately the winning point.. Cleese would never stoop to american spelling
Neighbor = not John Cleese
This has to be the work of an American. It’s about Europe and the last part talks about Australia…
This is so old that Cleese was funny when it was written.
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everyone does realize that this about libya right? events that have happened this year? this isnt old at all….
Just because it mentions libya, that does not make the content new. The main body of it is old, in place of libya would have just been another country that was engaged in some form of conflict with the western world over the years.
It may not matter to you, but it clearly matters to at least some of the people who are led here. It is damned annoying when you hit your Stumble button, and instead of getting something new and interesting, you get some repost of a joke from the mid-90s.
You know what? You clearly don’t care anyway, so I’m going to do what I probably should have just done instead of typing all this, and I’m gonna hit that handy-dandy “block site” button that SU provides and move on.
Hi Kal,
I posted this because I thought it was funny and I wanted to share it with the 12 people who read my blog every blue moon. Someone else came along (a complete stranger) who also happened to think it was funny and stumbled it. Regardless of what year this was generated it’s still funny. I just watched an old Woody Allen movie. That’s still funny . You need to take a load off Kal. Life really isn’t that bad.
I love how everyone gets annoyed, but hey some people either weren’t around for the joke the first time, or had not heard it before. And quite frankly, funny is funny, no matter how you spin it. Sit back, relax, and enjoy a classic, and let others do so as well.
Thanks for that. I was quite amused by all the anger as well and couldn’t really understand it but some people quite simply, take themselves a little too seriously. Thanks for stopping by.
Tess
Now let’s see. What major NATO power was left out of this little catalog of clichés?
People need to get over themselves. This gets funnier everytime I read it because it’s so damn accurate. Totally bookmarking it, whether it’s old or not, no matter who wrote it. 😀
Legit or not, this is funny. Kudos OP.
Brilliant as ever.