The Pope Hat

The PopeTessa: There’s something about the Pope wearing that crazy pope get-up that you just have to admire. There he goes all around the world giving big-assed speeches in those crazy outfits. I wonder if he ever wonders, if the rest of us are wondering just exactly what he’s doing in those crazy things. I wonder if he wonders, if we wonder, just who is designer is? One thing I know for sure, it’s definitely not Stella McCartney!

And what the heck does he have on underneath all that stuff? Tights? Does he wear jockeys or shorts? If they’re shorts are they the fitted cute kind that show off the bum in a nice way or are they the lose cotton ones that you can get at Walmart three for $12.00? Is there a special pope outfit that Benedict wears when he gets up in the morning, you know before his morning pee and maybe after breakfast. Is he really wearing the pope outfit when he’s idly nibbling at his biscotti thinking about big worldly pope problems like discouraging all those crazy people from using birth control, figuring out how he can bomb Africa so he doesn’t have to deal with that nasty AIDS problem, all those naughty uncelibate priests forced forced forced to diddle little boys and girls, and why is there so much administrative drudgery and pencil pushing associated with sainthood?

You know the Pope actually reminds me a lot of me. I used to walk around with a towel on my head thinking that everybody thought that the towel was my long beautiful terrycloth hair. I would spend hours trying to catch glimpses of myself as I walked by windows thinking how great my long hair looked. Then, because I was also a weather prophet, I would stand in front of my brothers and sisters and make pronouncements, not unlike the Pope, about things like the weather, and anything else I thought I could get away with. And for awhile people indulged me (especially my mother) because they thought it was cute. But then, like the Pope, I didn’t want to take the towel off my head, even when I went to bed or at breakfast while I pondered my empire. Soon I was saying crazy things, and my mom took me aside and we had a little talk. “You’re losing touch with reality sweetie. I know you love your ‘hair’ but I don’t know how to tell you this but it’s not really your hair. It’s fake. And you know those weather pronouncements that you’re extorting money from people for, they’re not real darling. We’ve been playing along with you to help build your confidence. And well to be quite frank, partly because you’re so delusional, we haven’t known how to deal with this little bump in your development… but sweetheart it’s time to take off the hat /hair/towel/conehead and get in touch with reality. What do you say?”

As you can see me andel padre have lots in common. Well, when I was eight anyways! But the pope is 80. I think he can take off the hat, get out of that get up and stop with his ridiculously conservative pronouncements. The world has moved on.



Filed under Random Musing

2 responses to “The Pope Hat

  1. Janet

    The answer to this question is in an hilarious McSweeney’s book that I can’t remember the title of but it is something like “How to Dress Well” by The Pope. He gives advice on everything from rings to HATS to shoes to robes, and when it is appropriate to go a bit more regal and when it is appropriate for less formal popish garments. Dammit, I wish I could remember the name of it.

  2. Julie

    I highly disagree with this entire post…if you have ever visited the Vatican, you would see some earth moving things that have a lot more to say than some off-the-cuff comments that any 8 year-old joe blow could come up with as you have here. The Pope is there as the descendant of Peter, and there is little to shake that in today’s ‘oh-so-perfect’ world. (And by the way, in regards to birth control, children are a gift: it’s like saying the world has enough flowers when you say we need to prevent children from being born)

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