Conversations with My Husband: Dumped for Bacon

Dave: Where’s Little T?
Tessa: I think she’s next door.
Dave: Right. She lives there.
Tessa:Yeah, she’s kinda moved out.
Dave: I’ve had her for ten years. She doesn’t give a shit. I never gave her away even when I wanted to or could have.
Tessa: Cats are fickle.
Dave: Her legs were crooked when I adopted her. She could hardly walk. You know what cats are. They’re the animal equivalent of humans. She’s all about herself. She just comes home to shit and eat. I bet you Sylvia is giving her bacon. I read this thing where most vegetarians go back to being meat eaters because of bacon. They can’t resist it. It’s the texture and the salt. Nobody can resist it. I’ll bet you that’s what’s going on.
Tessa:Maybe she just likes the peace and quiet over there.
Dave: I’ll bet you it’s Norm. They’re feeding her. Hugging her. Loving her. They don’t know what kind of monster they’re creating. Oh look here she comes. Howling and screaming. LET ME IN LET ME IN.
She’s coming over here to take a shit. Come here T. Come here. Christ. Smell this. She smells like Sylvia’s perfume. I’m going to write Sylvia’s contact info on her collar. Do you think she’ll find that funny?
Tessa: Who? T or Sylvia?
Dave: Come here T. Do you want some milk? I’ll bet that’s it. I used to give her milk all the time and I haven’t in years. It’s my fault. I’ll bet Sylvia is giving her milk. Come here T.
Tessa: Maybe what’s going on is that T has a parallel universe happening. Sylvia’s place is the reverse of ours. Her and Norm lie in bed like we do and they’re going on about how cute she is and feeding her bacon and stuff. I think it’s the bacon. She has a parallel universe except over there she has milk and bacon. What do you think?
Dave: Yup. Bacon is the downfall

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2 Comments

Filed under Conversations with My Mother

2 responses to “Conversations with My Husband: Dumped for Bacon

  1. Janet

    If Sylvia gave me bacon I would move in with her, too.

  2. Well now it turns out it’s not for the love of Sylvia, it’s not even for the love of bacon or milk. It’s for the love of Norm, Sylvia’s boyfriend. He has the attraction of a big anchovy fish for her. Norm’s her anchovy. Can’t compete with that.

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