Entries from June 2008
Tessa: Recently I had the misfortune of allowing my hairdresser to have her way with me. I pointed at several pictures I had brought along as proof of where I wanted to go and showed them to her. Here this is what I want. Look. This is what I need. Not too brown, give me my shag back, not too blond either though. Natural. I want natural. Cindy whipped out her colour wheel, showed me three colours calling them things like G7 and an L8 with a little bit of aR2 will really give you a nice r2d2. Sounds fine. Let’s go.
Three hours later she’s rinsing my hair in the sink and I ask her what r2d2 looks like. She doesn’t give me her usual confident I’m so great smile and instead says …oh the gold here looks nice on top. When she removes the towel from my head I see that I’ve gone from brilliant white blond to dark brown. Dark brown must be what r2d2 is. I start reviewing the colour wheel in my mind.
She tried desperately to be cheerful. I thought I saw my jaw drop. Yes, it did drop. Then Dave walked in and I definitely saw his jaw drop. Boy. Was his weekend ruined.
I think she knew I was upset because even her glazy cheerful demeanour started to wilt under my fragile gaze. You want your hair straightened or curly. Ahh whatever.May as well make it curly since it will go that way on its own anyways. We got half way there and I guess she decided 3 hours was enough on one client and she leaves me half dry half wet with brown hair.
We part ways and with my usual lying ways, I hugged her, said it was all terrific, gave her a big fat tip, ran outside to find the closest pair of scissors so I could cut it all off. Dave, oh Dave. How I love Dave. He was shocked. I could tell. He’ll never admit it and that’s okay. But I know shock when I see it.
We go next door to the restaurant where I disappear into the bathroom for about 3 hours. Where were you? he asks. I don’t answer. Throughout dinner he refills my sake glass frequently. By the time we get home he’s saying encouraging things like you’re hair is so beautifully caramel. Caramel. That’s it. It’s like toffee. You smell like toffee. You are my little toffee.
I love him too. And I love that he uses the word caramel when we really all know what that means.
In the end I don’t cut my hair off, I don’t kill myself, I don’t anything. It’s just hair. And it’s caramel coloured. I am a caramel. So if Dave.
Categories: Where's my gonch & other stuff
Tagged: hair dye jobs gone wrong, hairdressing disasters
Tessa: Ring Ring: Gaboodle Gaboidle
Rosie: My Mother
Tessa: Is a Toitle
Rosie: Where have you BEEN?
Tessa: Mom, I’ve been right here.
Rosie: Well, why didn’t you answer your phone?
Tessa: If I knew it was you I would have answered.
Rosie: Oh. Anyways. So I heard.
Tessa: You heard what?
Rosie: Your brother told me.
Tessa: He told you what?
Rosie: About the car.
Tessa: Oh, yeah. We’re looking for a new car?
Rosie: Why? What do you need a new car for? Always wanting so many fancy things. You spend too much money, Tessie. Save your money.
Tessa: Well, we know what we can spend and what we can’t spend.
Rosie: Well, you know that Dave. He has expensive test. And what for?
Tessa: For Reub. He needs air conditioning. He can’t take the heat. Makes him sick. Dave says if we don’t get air conditioning we have to wrap wet towels around him when we go out. And a straw hat.
Rosie: I know why Dave is buying it.
Tessa: It’s not just Dave,. Anyways. Why?
Rosie: He’s doing it for me, isnt’ he?
Tessa: He’s doing what?
Rosie: Buying the new car. You know how he is. He wants to pick me up from the airport in something fancy.
Pause
Pause
Rosie: Tell Dave I don’t give a shit. He can pick me up in that old Acura that I can’t get out of. Remember how I almost got heat stroke in that car?
Last time Dave picked me up in that Volkswagon. Those Germans are bastards. I know that. I was married to one. But they make great cars. Wooowwweeee. It smelled so good. Anyways, tell him I don’t care. Don’t spend the money all on me. Your brother is wondering how you can afford all this. We don’t understand.
Tessa: Why should he care. Anyways.
Rosie: I know. I’ll let you go. Bye. Say hi to Dave.
Tessa: Bye mom. Love you!
Rosie: Don’t buy the new car. You kids are wasting your money!
Categories: Conversations with My Mother
Tagged: Conversations with My Mother
Dave: Where’s Little T?
Tessa: I think she’s next door.
Dave: Right. She lives there.
Tessa:Yeah, she’s kinda moved out.
Dave: I’ve had her for ten years. She doesn’t give a shit. I never gave her away even when I wanted to or could have.
Tessa: Cats are fickle.
Dave: Her legs were crooked when I adopted her. She could hardly walk. You know what cats are. They’re the animal equivalent of humans. She’s all about herself. She just comes home to shit and eat. I bet you Sylvia is giving her bacon. I read this thing where most vegetarians go back to being meat eaters because of bacon. They can’t resist it. It’s the texture and the salt. Nobody can resist it. I’ll bet you that’s what’s going on.
Tessa:Maybe she just likes the peace and quiet over there.
Dave: I’ll bet you it’s Norm. They’re feeding her. Hugging her. Loving her. They don’t know what kind of monster they’re creating. Oh look here she comes. Howling and screaming. LET ME IN LET ME IN.
She’s coming over here to take a shit. Come here T. Come here. Christ. Smell this. She smells like Sylvia’s perfume. I’m going to write Sylvia’s contact info on her collar. Do you think she’ll find that funny?
Tessa: Who? T or Sylvia?
Dave: Come here T. Do you want some milk? I’ll bet that’s it. I used to give her milk all the time and I haven’t in years. It’s my fault. I’ll bet Sylvia is giving her milk. Come here T.
Tessa: Maybe what’s going on is that T has a parallel universe happening. Sylvia’s place is the reverse of ours. Her and Norm lie in bed like we do and they’re going on about how cute she is and feeding her bacon and stuff. I think it’s the bacon. She has a parallel universe except over there she has milk and bacon. What do you think?
Dave: Yup. Bacon is the downfall
Categories: Conversations with My Mother
Tagged: animal loyalty, bacon is a tease, cat relationship, cats, scorned by cat
